My Story: Encountering a Relentless God in the midst of tragedy
We all go through moments in our lives when our faith is tested. Whether in big or small ways, God gives us the opportunity to grow and to lean into Him in these moments or run away in fear. If the heat is intense enough, It can shake our very core, make us question our existence and even God’s purpose for our lives. Over the years, I have been blessed to have so many opportunities to share with the world my experiences either over a nice cup of coffee, doing ordinary life with friends, on stage or leading worship, in hopes that people would know the true power of God is still working in people’s lives today.
But it wasn’t until the end of the year of 2015, that my faith was tested in such a way that it had the power to change who I was as a person. It was the first time in my Christian walk that I became a “less than” poster child, full of faith sort of Christian. If anything, I succumbed, broke and shattered to the weight of the trials and some of the ugliest, selfish parts of me that I had never seen, came out in all of its entirety. If I had any pride to boast in my strengths of suffering well, that person was no longer to be found.
Up until the year 2015, my faith had grown an incredible amount after graduating bible school and moving to the UK to preach the gospel to share my story with others. I had felt the call of Abraham; to leave my home country and partake in an adventure unlike any other and submit to God’s calling, whatever that would look like. I had seen and felt God while I was 4,000 miles apart from all of my family and friends, in a way that I had never known before. People were getting saved, healed and lives were being transformed. I will cherish the experiences that God allowed me to have with Him during that time. After returning home, I was more than expectant for God to move in the same capacity in my own life and community, so I began to pray harder, louder and longer for God to move mightily. I wanted an incredible faith that could heal the sick, raise the dead and change the world, no matter what the cost was. I remember crying out in a small group prayer saying, “God, even if you took my home, family and everyone I loved, I would still worship you”.
It would only be a couple of months after, that my mom would get cancer for the fifth time and pass away within a month. It was so sudden, it was fast and it was obviously painful to watch and experience. All the faith and money in the world couldn’t have saved her; it was her time to go and she knew it, but I didn’t want to accept it. Her faith and hope in God was unwavering. She was my absolute best friend, my rock, so to lose her really hit me hard. Soon after, me and my sister had to sell and leave my mom’s home that we were currently living in and adjust to our new reality. A few months later, I would have to move after my sister got married, then once more after. In one year, my life had gone to an incredible mountain top experience to the greatest testing of my faith in God to date. Anything and everything during that time that could have been shaken had been shaken. To make matters worse, 4 months after my mom died, a terrible flood came in Louisiana and destroyed most of my friends and families homes. Our house that was sold a few months before was completely underwater, as seen via satellite images. There was an ambushed shooting that killed 4 brave police officers in wake of Alton Sterling. The girl who moved at least ten times, went to three different high schools and who could pack up everything to move to another country for the sake of the gospel, all of the sudden craved to be stable and unmoved in a world that was shaking uncontrollably. Trusted close friendships had fallen away, I was moving from one place to another because of uncontrolled circumstances and I was battling new health issues that literally at some points, crippled me.
It was then, that fear began to birth inside of me. I had even tried to keep a relationship in my life despite its toxicity, which would only lead to more fear and shame. The relationship was so controlling over my life, that I was afraid that if I let go of the only other person left in my life besides Jesus, I would be left alone. My soul became quiet and disappointed because my dreams and prayers seem to have been thrown into the dust, and to be honest, a part of me had began to die. I was left hopeless.
In these in between moments I believe, when our faith is tested or lack thereof, is when God takes out the ugliest and darkness parts of our beings and creates something beautiful in us. God is so faithful, that even in our weakness and shame, it has no comparison to the unbounding, relentless love and affection that He has for us.
Psalm 139:7 says “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will hold me.”
You see, in those really horrible and dark moments, I didn’t have a song to sing or a prayer to pray. I was simply just surviving under the goodness and faithfulness of God’s mercy. When I lost everything, Jesus became my everything. Even in my doubt and when I couldn’t even pursue him with my whole heart in the midst of hurt, skewed perceptions, questions and pain, He kept pursuing me. All He offered to me was a choice to no longer be bound by fear but to trust once again in Him, that He was who He said He was and would never leave me nor forsaken me, even if I had lost everything else that was dear to me.
Brian Johnson from Bethel once said, “Consider it a gift when God becomes your only option”. In all of my weakness, my simple yes to God was all He needed. Even when I had no idea what my life would look like from that point forward, trusting Him was far more valuable than trying to save myself in my own strength. For me to relinquish my hand of control of my future was everything to God and He honors those with a willing heart to obey Him, even in our trembling.
After letting go of that relationship and fear of the unknown, I have never felt more alive, full of passion, joy and love to change the world that I have ever been in my entire life. He took the broken pieces of my heart that I thought were as good as dead and brought me back to life, making me stronger and more passionate to accomplish His mission on the earth. He has since then restored some of those lost relationships in my life, provided an amazing new community of believers to walk in life with…and even to pour into. God is the Restorer and Redeemer, and His reward for those who are willing to trust Him and His promises far outweigh any trial that we could ever face. Abraham, a man known as the Father of Faith, too never gave up on the promises that God had, even though in appearance it was impossible for him to achieve in his own strength. The bible says,
“And this happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who creates new things out of nothing. Even when there was no reason for hope, Abraham kept hoping — And Abraham’s faith did not weaken — Abraham never wavered in believing God’s promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and In this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever He promises.”
Romans 4:17-21
Whether you have lost hope or are in a weary season, trust that God is faithful. He will never leave you or abandon you. His love and affection is relentless towards you and every promise He has over you will surely come to pass. Our simple yes to surrender to God in every season could be the key to unlocking the destiny into the promises that God has for you.
In Christ,
Rachel