The Brother’s & The Others: Learning to discern in dating
Not every guy who calls himself a Christian is a Brother. Some are just what I like to call, the Others. When I say 'Brother,' I don’t just mean a guy who calls himself a Christian—I mean a man who is truly faithful to God, walks in integrity, and understands the weight of spiritual leadership. A Brother isn’t perfect, but he’s intentional, accountable, and actively growing in his faith. The Others? Well… they look good on the surface, but their foundation is shaky.
"The Brothers and the Others" is a concept I discovered and coined while in Bible school. I was warned—there would be plenty of guys looking for their “wife” in such a spiritual setting. I am sure you have heard of “Ring by Spring”. Yeah, it is a real thing on the girls side as well. But truth be told, a lot of these guys were players, lacked maturity, and didn’t even understand themselves, let alone , women. And, of course, my naïve self fell for it at some points in the beginning.
They knew all the right words, played the part when it was convenient, and could hold a Bible in one hand—even serve in church—while keeping their options wide open with the other. Some had no real intention of a long-term commitment, while others simply lacked the spiritual depth to understand what it means to be a husband.
I know if you’re a man reading this, you’re thinking,“This isn’t fair. It goes both ways.” And you’re absolutely right. But think of this more as a template—a guideline for both men and women to follow in a world that increasingly treats dating as a commodity rather than a God-given gift filled with intentionality and the pursuit of holiness.
We NEED more discernment in the church. The standards must be raised. It is no longer acceptable to date a man who says he’s a Christian, yet Christ isn’t his Lord. It is no longer acceptable to date a man (or woman) who serves in church, but behind closed doors, intentionally serves his/ her lustful flesh without repentance. We have to hold ourselves to higher standards, and so should our relationships.
In the world of dating, it’s easy to assume that if a man says he loves Jesus, that automatically means he’s a godly man. But words are cheap. Fruit is what matters. (Matthew 7:16)
The Brothers: Men Who Walk the Walk
A true Brother is a man whose faith is evident—not just in what he says, but in how he lives, leads, and loves.
He pursues a woman with clarity, not confusion.
He values purity over pressure.
He seeks to serve, not be served.
He is accountable, teachable, and constantly growing in his faith.
A Brother’s goal in dating isn’t just romance—it’s righteousness. He’s not here to play games; he’s here to honor God and honor you.
The Others: Men Who Wear the Label but Not the Life
Then, there are the Others. These men know how to sound spiritual, but their actions tell a different story.
They talk about God but don’t walk with Him.
They love church culture but lack Christ-like character.
They like the idea of a godly woman but don’t want the responsibility of leading one.
They may flirt with purity but push boundaries when it benefits them.
The Others often look good on paper. They may even check off all the Christian boxes. But when it comes to consistency, they leave you questioning instead of confident.
How to Tell the Difference
Look at his patterns, not his potential. A man’s consistent habits reveal more about him than his occasional highlights.
Is he leading you toward Jesus or away from Him? A Brother will strengthen your faith. The Others will make you second-guess it.
Does he bring peace or confusion? A godly man’s pursuit is intentional and steady, not hot-and-cold.
Final Word: Choose the Brother, Not the Other
The reality? Many women settle for an Other when God has a Brother waiting for them. They get caught up in charisma, good looks, and the thrill of someone who knows how to impress. Instead, women pass by the man who has been there all along, who is steady, average height, faithful and full of integrity, who even might seem “boring” in the beginning, but this is the kind of godly character that will take the late night shift to take care of the baby when you’re tired, or lay on the floor with you while you puke your guts out because you’re sick. I say this as someone who has regretfully in the past, been attracted to that charismatic kind of guy, but alas, we learn, we gain wisdom and try to teach others to avoid some of the mistakes you made. And that is why I am here. But at the end of the day, a godly woman knows that true leadership, integrity, and faithfulness are worth the wait, and the Holy Spirit is always guiding you.
Sis, don’t let potential keep you in a cycle of disappointment. The right man won’t just say he’s a Christian—he’ll show you by how he loves God and how he honors you.
✨ Choose wisely. The Brother will pursue you with purpose. The Other will leave you wondering. ✨